Day 6: The Last Day of Rest

After waking up the next morning after my final ceremony the night before I felt completely open and free of fear, however there was a nervous energy still inside me that kept me rocking me back and forth in the night.  There was a feeling last night that I needed to face, the fact that now there was a void where there once was fear.  I needed to start to accept a life without fear.  I went outside just as the sun was rising and way before anyone else was up.  I started to walk to the hammocks outside of the kitchen and started thinking about my experience last night.  I knew if I could just release some emotion that the feeling might purge from my system.  I walked into the kitchen where I could have some privacy and forced myself to release some tears.  About 5 min in Miguel walked into the kitchen, “how was the night?” he said, wanting to pull me into conversation and seeing what I was still processing.  I told him about the fear and how I was able to overcome, but I was now having trouble understanding how to fill this void and deal with an entire part of my life now missing. 

Miguel took in my experience and I immediately see that he could completely relate to the encounter through a similar dealing with fear in his own ceremonies.  He began to tell me about another plant called Iboga that Shaman’s use to be initiated and it can send you in to the trance up to 3 days.  He had been smoking it with them, which brought on shorter experiences but did it for 3 months.  He recalled a story, which I shared in my video journal.  This story as well as a question he asked regarding where the fear originally came from, also talked about in the video, allowed me to overcome some of the nervousness I had.  I could tell that after we had chatted that Miguel was inspired by my stories and he understood the amount of courage I had against the medicine.  He told me that we would be having a flower bath to release all of our negative energy and told me that it was the perfect thing for me after what I went through.

After speaking to Miguel I decided to go outside and many more had started to come in to grab some breakfast and wanted to hear the story.  I told them a short version, as I wanted to hear about there lessons.  It had seemed that this night was a far better experience with everyone, with no one else going to a negative place expect me.  We had breakfast together and than I had a feeling I wanted to share a smoke with these people on my last day.  We all sat on the porch of the ceremonial hut and it all felt so surreal that the experience was over. 

I could feel all the love from the people around me, especially from Harvey who I feel has really connected with all of us and treats us as family.  I know that he does not have the support at home or will be able to share this experience easily with them but together in this place we all can talk freely and openly and without judgment as we all have had a shared consciousness.  Everyone passes some herb around and shares in the community, which gives us a familiar bond of home and an evolved bond here. 

Casey then starts talking about the old location that the retreat was at and how they used to do the brewing process.  We had all thought that we would be preparing the brew and brewing it together in camp but he explained that they had no fully grown Ayahuasca vines yet and that the process was time consuming and sometimes had issues with the potency of the brew.  He therefore has found a source that he purchases the brew from that is very reliable and consistent and frees up his time to do other things around camp and be more of a spiritual advisor. 

After a very intense night where I was sweating more than I ever have before, I decide to go have a shower before my flower bath so that my body will be clean as well as my soul.  I quickly grab my stuff and head to the showers, the water is cold as usual but I now have started to enjoy it and even look forward to it after the sun comes out. 

When I dry off and come out in my swim suit ready for my flower bath it comes to me that this is a perfect time to grab a picture of everyone individually so that I can see everyone in a very happy and free state of mind.  A pure and natural moment to capture.  I grab my camera and return just as Jill is bringing out the two giant pales of Ice-cold water with lots of flowers and leaves in them, I grab a handful to smell and it is absolutely lovely.  One by one we all sit down in the sun on a stool as Jill pours 3 ice cold buckets over our head.  We all joke that this really isn’t cleansing but a way for them to get back at us for cleaning up after us all week.  Of course it isn’t and the feeling of the water although cold is the most refreshing and the most freeing sensation describable.  I get a picture of everyone as they go up except Ifran who is sick. It comes to me last and as it comes over my shoulders I feel reborn.  I feel all of the week’s experiences wash away and a complete feeling of relief come over my being.

We all go and shower off the flowers and other plants in our hair and in our shorts and return back for lunch. We have a wonderful beat salad.  After lunch Meagan and I slipped back to the cabin and laid down on the bed and have a quick nap before the artists come to bring paintings and other textiles to buy.  The nap is short lived as they arrive almost immediately.  Meagan and I buy a few more things for friends and my mother and then go look at the amazing artwork and start to have memories of the colors we saw in our visions portrayed in the art.

There is one that is calling to Meagan and I, many are extremely colorful and have amazing detail and realism however it is the simplest of pictures that speaks out.  It is the green that Meagan had seen in her visions about the pyramids.  We get him down from $300-$150 but we have to make the payment through western union when we get home as we don’t have the money on us, so he decides to think about it. 

While we are waiting I tell Jill that I want a Witto tattoo to commemorate the achievement of facing my fears from the night before.  I want an Ayahuasca cross section with the Icaros surrounding it with two serpents circling the piece and crawling over my shoulder.  The piece will only cost me 15 Soles about $7.  The sun is hot so we try to find a corner where it is cooler and shaded but it is hard to keep myself from perspirating while he draws on my back.  Only an hour later and the piece is finished but is very light on my skin.  He tells me it will get darker through the night.

Todd decides to buy the painting we wanted so we take a pic of it as we plan to have it printed because it still speaks to us.  We then head back to our hut and begin by packing up everything and preparing to leave tomorrow morning.  The feeling is half of excitement to start this journey home and half of worry, that no one will understand us like people do in this place.  The reality is that we need to start the real journey of life with all of this new knowledge and part of our brain active and use it for good or the experience is worthless. 

After packing we head back to the sharing circle and to share in our last supper together as a group.  We are having lentils in a curry with mixed veggies.  We are some of the last to arrive and find ourselves in position to share last.  After hearing everyone and there positive experiences it comes to me and I know that there is much I would like to share but don’t want to take too long as I had just recorded a long video diary with lots of realizations.  I am by far the longest talker as I give everyone the greater part of the experience and when I am finished the room is in awe.  Many shared how powerful it was for them to hear and comprehend.  Jill shared at the end that many of the experiences that we shared tonight reminded her of the things that she went through and inspired her to build this place with Casey. 

We all then shared our deep appreciation of one another through this process and the amazing love and support we had for one another as there really was nothing to hide anymore. They had heard or seen us go through some of our most personal moments in our lives.  I shared my respect and love to Ramses who had multiple times brought me through some pretty powerful realizations.  We shared a hug and grabbed a photo and I told him he was a brother to me and I wanted him to be present at my wedding if he could. 

As we left the kitchen we asked a few to come back to our hut and share in a smoke before bed.  A few turned into the whole group of travelers.  We shared our love once again and talked about whether or not we would do it again.  The general consensus was that we all would at some point but none was in a rush too, a feeling that would change by morning. 

Just as we were about to send everyone back to their huts to go to bed Lee shared a conversation he had had with Casey that hit me hard.  He said that after you had done Ayahuasca more times and worked through all of your questions and your challenges that you started to have abilities that were far beyond our minds capacity.  He shared of one of these abilities being 360-degree perception and awareness.   This made me realize that I was capable of much more and why many devote their path to exploring other capabilities with in there own consciousness. 

This was the thought I went to bed with and little did I know that I would enter into a vision in my dream that would change my outlook on my experience the next morning.